| Hey, Happy April Fool's Day |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|04:51 pm] |
I like LiveJournal's April Fool's Day Joke :D
I'm having a hard time making games in RMXP. End Rant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|10:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Inuyasha- Futari No Kimochi | ] |
It seems that I'm a person of two extremes. It's hard to say, but I think I got it now. I should just say it now or else I'll forget soon.
I can choose to be a person who blames everyone else for my problems and continue to indulge myself with self-pity. OR, I can just blame myself for everything that I've done in my life and continue to look back and regret on all the things that I did to become as I am right now. I hate being sad, but I also hate to lie to myself in being happy. If I wasn't this type of person that I came to be, I would be the happy and jubilant kid that I...should be. Or maybe I'm just jealous. I still regret how I lived my life nonetheless. I've been telling myself how stupid I had been. I know. I know! I don't need myself to say it again... I already know how stupid I am. I feel sorry for whomever's reading this. It hurts... Why don't I just make this a private entry? ...Well, maybe there's a spark of hope left inside me. Sometimes, I just want to release it. Sometimes I wish people could read my mind. Rarely do I have a chance to express myself in coherent words. This Sunday Neaurosis.....why? It's only Saturday and I'm thinking about life. I have too much free time I tell ya.
This life. If only I could be cheerful for people. I feel so sorry for them. How people stand talking to me, and talking to me so nicely. So calm and warm. They even smile at me, joke around me, and all these other great things. And all I have to give them is a stale face. An unmoving, dead face. I have nothing to give but my scornful expressions. I try to joke back, but it all sounds lame...I might as well say it. How can anyone stand me? I'm so ugly...and stupid. Hah! Ugly AND stupid! How in the world can they stand to even look at me? If only I wasn't myself right now. If only I was someone else, I would laugh with them, and not scorn myself inside. That way, I wouldn't hesitate when I laugh and joke. That way, I wouldn't feel so humiliated when I act so spirited.
When I was little, I was different. I have no idea what made me become this way... I don't know. Even if I knew, it'd only be my answer. It'd be myself...talking to myself. Scorn or praise. Live or die. Regret or appreciate. I have no idea what to think anymore. But I won't kill myself, that's just wrong. I'll live, but I can't say I'll live happily. I'm sorry everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|02:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | I miss the old days. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Air | ] |
I'm afraid...I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. I don't want to go out in the real world. Find a job. Get a house. Earn money. They all seem so trivial to me! Why can't life be so simple? I don't want to be stuck in such a morbid system! I don't want to live such an empty life. I'm afraid of going out there. I want time to stay still! Please... |
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| gee what a weekend |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
addicted to World of warcraft...hot...black out of the entire neighborhood....too hot to type... grr...ssssss |
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| Aside from all that |
[May. 6th, 2004|10:30 pm] |
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On a side note from today's next entry of Darkness, I wonder what I'll be doing for Mother's Day this Sunday. I mean, I wonder what I SHOULD do. Since one of my big brothers is here, I guess it'll have to be something special. We insist despite my Mom's resistance. We'll give her more than flowers. She asked for flowers. Should I write a poem for her like I do everyday? I don't know, I think that's kinda dull after overdoing it for the past years. I think I might be slipping on the creative department as well. Serving as another reason for me hating myself lately. Can't even think of a collage design for my class. Anyway, ummm...yeah so I guess I should be doing something different. I don't know. Not sure what I should buy if I'd buy anything at all. Make a dinner? Presents seem more rewarding. A diamond ring? Lol, yeah right. I'm not rich. My cousins are. Well, maybe I can make breakfast...no wait. Heh. My mom works on Sunday. Yeah. She'll work till 11:00 PM. Yeah. Everyday except Thursday. And that was...today. |
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| What am I |
[May. 6th, 2004|08:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kill Bill vol.2- About Her | ] |
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be anymore. My mind is splitting up. All these popular trends. These kids. They're the problem. They make me hate school. Them and their trends. I can't seem to follow them. Whenever I do, I get lost in them, and then I find myself behind in school work.
I'm lazy. I can be out of control. Partly because of this computer. Maybe if it wasn't for these entertainments that I take advantage of so much, I'd be a little more productive. Perhaps I'd have great adventures in this humid, polluted urbanized desert. Perhaps, I can take a long journey through streets of ravenous cars under the smoke that they produce and up a hill to find nothing but broken wine bottles.
Anyway, I've been really dumb lately. Behind on schoolwork. I can't concentrate. I just can't concentrate! I find myself in a heap of mess. I've been so upset lately. I don't know. Before Monday, I was all fine, but something's been up to make me so bitchy and impatient lately. Maybe it's because of that annoying bastard that sits right behind me in class! If the teacher only forced me into some random seat instead of having me choose! I'd of been better off with someone dictating than letting me decide for my own good! I haven't go the slightest clue of what's good for me! NEVER! All I wanted to do was make some friends by sitting near people that I'm familiar with. Well, I guess I was wrong. Not only am I being noticed sometime. I'm also being harassed. And you know what's worse? Having a girl in the back say "Annay that's mean! Don't do that!" while he's shoving a piece of paper he through at me down my shirt from the back. I felt so weak. I'm not like that. That's what I keep telling myself. I'd say "I can do worse to him." But that's me. I'm always saying such things but in reality, I'm running. What if I did hit him? What would happen? I'd get in trouble! That's what! That's what you're suppose to do in life, right? FOLLOW THE RULES OR YOU GET IN TROUBLE! But if something like that. If something as little as that. Happens. To. Me! It reflects back to the days when I was actually bullied. It reflects back to the many little shards that have shaped me into what I am. A shy. Lonely. Self-fish. Paranoid. Milanthropic. Kid. I guess I would have just run away from the same ol' problem. Let the shards keep cutting deeper into my skin. I would run. And I would cry. I would keep it inside. Because inside, you're safer. You don't get in trouble and miss out on more school work!
Life is unfair. I find myself...at the brink of giving up. Sometimes, I just want to run away. End all my worries by just not caring anymore. Lay in the streets under the cold rain. Look up...and die slowly.
I've been thinking. Maybe if I act like a minority. Maybe if I don't care about being popular. Or looking cool. Maybe if I just stand back and act small. Weak. And invisible. I'd get my work done. |
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| Hello again |
[Mar. 11th, 2004|09:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Final Fantasy 7 Theme (World Map) | ] |
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
------------------------------------------------
Well, haven't posted in a long time I guess. I've come to realize how merciless time can be. I want to spend my days doing productive things. I want to get what I can now. I want to play musical insruments like flutes, pianos or even violins. I want to enhance my art skills (if I have any). I want to learn how to make things work like video games and stuff.
I so miss being bored. When I used to be bored long long ago, I would do things like draw pictures or comics or make board games that practically no one played. I would do things aside from everything else and escape into the fictional fairtales that I create. I used to be so imaginative with all that.
I guess I should admit that video games have been in the way for any of that anymore. I just quit Diablo II and half of me feels bad for it but the other half is quite joyous because now I can spend time on homework and other important stuff.
I've also decided to quit Tae Kwon Do and probably move onto something else like Yoga, Tai Chi, KENDO, or KARATE. I hope I'll have time for that and I hope I'll be passionate about it. I'll just need to know where and how much it costs.
Other than all this, everything's been pretty much the same and constant with the endless drift of time forcing me into my inevitable future. |
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| My soul is... |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|09:32 pm] |
So correct...at least I hope so o.o
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| December and on... |
[Dec. 7th, 2003|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | For Fruits Basket | ] |
These past couple of weeks, one of my brothers been here. He was to move here and live with us as long as he's in this one school. We're going to be moving to a new house next week by the way. Just yesterday he had to go back to Vancouver to fill this legal stuff that I don't understand. Well it'll only be for 2 days; on Tuesday he'll come back here with my oldest brother visiting. We'll be moving to the new house around the 20th I think. Sigh, time sure is flying by for no reason whatsoever. Half of me is glad that all the school stuff will be over soon, and half of me is worried that time is going too fast that everything will seem to just...walk by without any recognition from me. I'm too scared of that. I don't want things to change, I really don't. Even though I really want all this pain to go away.
Well Fruits Basket reached a limit and I finished watching episode 26. The ending was inspiring and now I really want to know what happens next in the story. Gee, I hope they'll decide to make a second season. That show has really helped me through some bad times. I don't want to forget it.
I've been playing Diablo II recently. I'm afraid that game is too addicting for me. I'm always hooked to it cuz I'm always having so much fun (as long as I have all my items and stuff). I've been...not doing some homework cuz of that unfortunately. I must admit, that game is really making me lazy. >< I must stop the temptation to play everytime. And to think my brothers will bring the PS2 over on Tuesday with new games! 0.0
Oh yeah, when my brother came over, my computer just got 40 more gigabytes with 40 g left to spend. This is so cool. It's overwhelming. But I'm still having connection problems with SBC dsl and stupid random error messages that seem to be attached to my computer. It all serves as a beacon of destruction for me. Better not pay attention to them. Frutis baskets...fruits baskets...fruits baskets..............phew... |
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| I'm still alive... |
[Nov. 14th, 2003|03:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dido- White Flag | ] |
Thank god. Thank god. Thank god! I have revitalized myself. I've been regenerated from sinking into total decay and darkness. This week has been so rough on me. Projects from projects, homework from homework, side stuff and regret and stress and decisions and myself. I've caused so many scars this week and ruined all sense of any perfection I had. But I've finally realized, thanks to the help of Fruits Basket, my family, and songs and a bunch of other things combined, that all the scars no longer matter in the end. Because in the end, everything is for a good cause no matter how bad the method used. All those mistakes I made and am making are for a good cause. I'm learning from this and at least I'm learning from what I do. At least I learn. For myself, or better yet...for what's to come. In the end, it all doesn't matter. As long as I hold onto something. As long as I don't give up and surrender to whatever held me back. True, this week has broken the sense of any self-esteem in me. But it felt as if I crawled back up yesterday. I'm feeling well again. Things aren't solved yet, but at least I have a fighting chance. I'm not out of the water yet, but at least I'm swimming. That's what matters. What I learn and see from this. I still hate myself for everything I do, but at least I have something to believe so that I can keep going. At least it's for a good cause. I just want a good ending.~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2003|08:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mgs-naomi | ] |
I feel so guilty. God, I feel so guilty. I have everything anybody could ever dream for. I have a shelter. I have food. I have a loving and caring family. I have education and clothing. I have support from guardians and relatives. I have entertainment. Yet, I'm so stupid and lazy. Even when I'm sick, I should've gone to Tae Kwon Do last week. Even when I have no friends and play games to replace that, I should still do my work. Even if I have loads of homework and other things in my mind, that's how things are suppose to be. Other people don't complain I bet. Yet I do. I cry about it. I'm such a baby. I feel so guilty. I can't do anything right. That's what I feel. Just moments ago, I was limping and walking like the world is weighing down on me. I felt helpless, beaten, and most of all guilty. I couldn't forgive myself for being so...wrong. I'm just a whiner. I whine all the time. And when I feel this way, I feel even worse. There's no support around me. My dad saw me and tried to ease whatever that was hurting me. I couldn't explain it to him in full language. He couldn't understand anyway. It started when my aunt called and reminded me of the payment for the next 3 months of Tae Kwon Do. She had told me earlier to ask my mom that the payment is due. Now there's a penalty and it's because of me forgetting to ask my mom. I was sick and couldn't go to Tae Kwon Do last week. But that's probably a crappy excuse. I forgot and it's my fault. I'm not sure if I have the rights to pity myself. I feel so guilty when I pity myself even though I have so much in mind that gets in the way. That and all the other things. School stuff, stuff...stuff... |
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| Fruits basket o.O |
[Nov. 8th, 2003|04:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fruits Basket- For Fruits Basket | ] |
Lately I've been downloading Fruits Basket episodes from Kazaa and watching them again and again. Somehow I've been pulled into liking this anime. I was introduced to it by the Anime Club in school. At first, I thought it was just another girly slapstick comedy. But now, I'm in love with this anime. Side from being hilarious, this anime is so inspirational. Now I've only seen up to episode 7, but so far it's been so cool. My sister would love it if she had the patience to just sit down and watch. >< It's inspired me so much, the morals in this series. Especially episode 5 when Tohru had to leave. I love the opening song and memorized the lyrics! I've learned a lot from watching this, and my days have been brighter than usual. =)
My eyes watered up when I found out what Fruits Basket meant. ;.; |
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| I took the test thing |
[Sep. 24th, 2003|10:00 pm] |
Well I did that test where they tell you your destiny. Because I'm not too sure about my birthday, I typed in 3 of the possible dates, including the one I've been using throughout. All the answers, destinies...turned out to be...interesting:
... ... ... ...
Well at least when I put in "j" instead of "J" in January, it says I'd fall in love with my dreammate. Whoever that is  !!! !~ |
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| 0.0-; |
[Sep. 24th, 2003|04:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I am playing episode 52 of Slayers Next! | ] |
Gee, I've been posting morbid entries in rows haven't I? Makes me seem so...BLAH! But I have been better lately. I guess I'll just take whenever's thrown at me, well not literally, but just go with the flow or something. Live whatever's there to live for now. All will be well.
Anyway, I've been watching The Slayers lately. Well the second season, because my sister borrowed the DVDs from the library (nice of her to do so). I've only seen the DVD discs B and C for Slayers Next. At the end of C, I was so excited to see what happens next but disc C was on hold by somebody else so I went on and downloaded the next episodes 47-52 which were all in Japanese with English subs. I guess I am used to the dub of Slayers because I started the series with the dub. But the Japanese voices had its pros as well, ie: Xelloss's voice. I'm not saying that David Moo didn't do a good job. He did a wonderful job at being a funny Xelloss and that catch phrase "That's a secret" was great! He just didn't do too well with the serious moments. =.= the eyes!
The end of Next was sad, but I shouldn't discuss it here. Okay I'll discuss it here...[SPOILERS]
I watched the part when Gourry was chasing after Lina whom wasn't Lina but really Lord of Nightmares over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over an dover and ovoavdovasd odvavoader again! It was so sad. It touched me when he said all that stuff about Lina because I was thinking of it too. But I never expected them to KISS! O.O; that was wierd and I actually almost read an erotic fic about that part too 0.0; Gladly I escaped it in time. Well one part confused me...or two. I don't know. I'll just say whatever I come up with. Ummm....well was it Xelloss that took Gourry's sword in the oblivion thing? That black hand thingy. And was it the Lord of Nightmare that brought Lina back to Gourry? I think I read somewhere that she was touched by Gourry's determination...or something. I felt bad for Phibrizzo though. Well kinda. But geez, it would've been better if I didn't check those character profiles on the net before finishing the episodes. I was just really curious. I think I thought that I was thinking that the kid was really the demon Hellmaster. Oh well. Now I want to show people these episodes.
[Oh yeah! END SPOILERS]
[but not the journal entry...yeah too bad]
[but it is my entry you know...]
[MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ]
Well I want to start the next season, Slayers Try, but all the other discs are either on hold or lost somehwere O.O; So I'll have to wait and see if my requests are reserved yet. I just got a library card too! Goodie... ¬_¬ I had a terrible experience with library book overdues. I always hated libraries ever since. But now the burden is BACK! 
So I've been downloading the Slayers Try episodes. The first three. Well at least I'm trying to. They're in pretty bad quality but at least there's subs. But I've only managed to finish downloading the first episode of the season. The rest are still on traffic. Well at least I get to preview them with Kazaa Lite. I'd love to get the DVDs. In fact I'd love to win the KIDS WB sweepstakes thing this Sat. so I can win a GAMECUBE!! *runs to KidsWB.com*
Ahem, well I'd love to get the DVDs for Slayers...and Rurouni Kenshin. By the way, my top four favorite animes (that I can think of right now) are: YEP! : Ruroun...(in no particular order) Rurouni Kenshin, Pokemon, Digimon, and The Slayers!
Ahem, well I'd love to get the DVDs for The Slayers but I don't have any money. They cost like 100 dollars for each DVD I think. Or was that the collections? Well, they cost a lot. I wonder where you people get the money to buy all those anime DVD collections? o.0;
I updated by Wizard Analyzer ^__^' see see! I wonder if I'm allowed to post that picture there? /__\ |
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| Gray gray gray... |
[Sep. 8th, 2003|07:35 pm] |
Dear Journal...LiveJournal,
I think I have lost the meaning in anything I do. I lost my will of life. I don't see anything ahead of me but a gray spot. Everything I do, I see no meaning. Eating, going to school, homework, learning, even playing. Everything has lost meaning.
Today I had a bad day. My sister didn't say she'd pick me up yesterday, so I waited as the bus station for her or if she didn't come, I'd wait for the bus while I'm there. The bus got there before she came. I got on and I was 25 cents short (the bus fee changed). So I had to walk out and get some change in school. While I was doing that, my sister got to the bus station to look for me, but obviously I wasn't there. Then I walked all the way to the phone booth but it was locked for some reason. So then I walked back to the bus station. But no bus or sister. So I started walking home, but I stopped at the next bus station. And I waited and waited and waited. After a long time the bus came and it dropped me off at the station and I had to pay a fee for another bus to get all the way home. When I came home, my sister said she was waiting at the parking lot at first and then drove to the bus station to look for me. I guess it's my fault. I feel like it's my fault. But I don't want to blame myself because then I'd hate myself even more. And when I hate myself even more, I lose the will to do anything for myself.
I have lost the meaning in life. I don't see what's the point of anything anymore. |
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| I...I want a friend. I life-long friend :( |
[Jun. 22nd, 2003|10:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  envious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Suteki Da Ne | ] |
I just came to realize lately, that being alone isn't that great anymore. Even though I enjoy solitude, it just doesn't feel right. Things can be as peaceful with a friend that you really know. I've been reading a lot of stories recently. And I've come to see how great life can be with a life-long friend. A person that's always there and you can trust. Friendship takes time and trust. But it seems as though fate blew away all my chances. Before, it didn't really matter. It was probably because I was surrounded by friends, but they weren't really friends I would call best friends. They were good friends...but I don't think it was the same as having a best friend. I didn't care about all this before. I even wanted to be alone...even months ago. But now, I'm tired of being alone. I really am. I really really am.
I hate this feeling. The feeling of how things could've been better if I made other decisions. And memories that I have. Memories that I enjoy remembering, but it'd still sadden me to the point of depression or something. I'd just sigh. I want to live another life. A life where I don't have to be alone anymore. The possibilities. I'm just...really jealous. I want a life-long friend. A friend that most people probably have. But because of how my life was, it wasn't possible. Moving from one place to another, it's hard especially when you already have a hard time talking to people.
I mean, I used to have no flaws in having conversations or making friends. But that all changed. Somehow I just degraded, and fell into a pit of emptiness. Soon that emptiness engulfed me and made me think everyone was evil. It made me avoid people.
When I was really little. I had a friend. I think it was two. But somehow we got in a fight and I lost them. They hated me and I hated them. I think I remember one of them stealing my toys. I'm not sure. I don't think I can remember who started the fight. Who's fault it was. But I still can't remember what happened afterwards. It makes me assume that right after the fight (really, a fight with these sticks that got us into trouble) at a party (probably a good bye party), me and my family moved to Nova Scotia, Canada where my uncle and his family lives. So I guess we couldn't have made up, if it was possible. If it was, we could've been life-long friends. Heh.
When I moved to Vancouver, Canada. I met a kid name Sam who really liked my drawings. I remember drawing Halloween themes and even a haunted house to decorate the classroom. He helped me get use to the things around in school. The teachers, the classrooms, the rules. I was new there, and I was way better off there than I was in Nova Scotia. Back in NS, I had a really hard time especially with the teacher who kept putting me in detention. And all I could remember from NS was loneliness, in school that is. But there were a few good things about Nova Scotia. I got to know this bookstore keeper and other people at my brothers' high school. It felt kinda nice, being that it was a small town. I love small towns, it's a lot peaceful. Well Sam and I got to be good friends, but soon after the school year ended, he moved away. So that was another chance blown away by my little dark cloud that only grew bigger.
I did make friends afterwards. But it wasn't the same. They didn't share anything in common with me. I was just a good host for games. And they liked me for being so creative. They're still good friends, even now.
But I had to move away again. After 9 years in Vancouver. I was stupid to think that I'd have a fresh start here in San Jose. I feel like I took advantage of the things back then. I probably did. All I can do now is sigh. Maybe in another life time. |
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| Relentless dark cloud. |
[May. 9th, 2003|09:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Moonlight Sonata | ] |
Deaths, illness, madness, and frustration. How am I suppose to celebrate a happy Mother's Day with a good mood when I'm having difficulty coping with all this? So many deaths have been occuring and now my grandpa is very ill. They say he could possibly die. It's unfair how time changes things so fast, at a rate you can't endure. It's madness. I can just sense my dad's frustration and sadness. We're trying our best in any way to help grandfather who's in a country far away. The only way we can reach him now is by internet or the telephone, which costs. We're already having budget problems, especially during these times. How can society (money) be this cruel? It hurts to think that a family member is dying yet money is still an issue. Not to mention jobs. It just sucks how these things get in the way even in these drastic situations. I really envy the ones that get it all right. They never seem to have a problem in the world. I really want my dad to go back and visit his dad before the inevitable, which I hope never happens. I really wish the best, I really do.
Mother's Day is Sunday, and I'm still healing from my internal trauma on Thursday. To think that a girl would prefer giving an extra pen to another person in your table after giving them (the table) papers. It doesn't seem to be such a big deal now (thanks to a few lectures from my family), but it really tore me apart that day. I couldn't even finish my assignment which only fueled my anger. Sanity was ripping apart at that moment I envisioned some nasty thoughts that would only make me hate myself even more. I popped a balloon after leaving that class with my assignment incomplete and then broke the bathroom stall door. I was furiated. Yet, I couldn't express it on the outside. Just the thoughts of things changing around me would cause me to cringe. If I were to explode in madness and let it all out, I wouldn't be viewed as the same person anymore, not that I'm much of anything now, but still. School hasn't changed for me. Everyday would be a downer for me. Me and my hesitations, my cloud. What should I do when I'd have to answer my own questions because nobody else is around to understand me. I feel torn apart. It's such a mixed feeling that keeps boiling inside of me. I see people as gentle souls and then I see them as evil cats scratching all over you, making the wounds deeper day by day. I don't like it one bit. It's a shame that complaining about the inevitable never makes a damn difference. These wounds wouldn't have been as deep if it weren't for my lifetime endurance. Now the wounds just bleed. When will I run out of blood?
Change damnit! Change!!! Why won't I change? I have to do something for Mother's Day. I've already missed a day. Thursdays are the only days she's home, and I wasted it! I'm so stupid! I can't waste Sunday. I can't. When will the wounds stop bleeding so that I'd have a chance to do something nice? I need to redeem.
Happy Mother's Day...mom. |
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| Yeah, going down again... |
[Mar. 6th, 2003|11:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yami No Theme - Kouichi | ] |
It's that time again. The time I drag you all down with me, but I don't intend to. I feel the way I feel whether I can help it or not. It just happens and I can't do a thing about it. No matter how hard I try, the fact is the fact...I'm alone. Being happy makes me feel guilty because I'd then feel there's nothing to be happy about when you're in such conditions. It'll just feel like you've been betrayed when you're instantly down again. I'm cautious...maybe too cautious.
To tell the truth, I've never really had a best friend. Maybe friends, but no one I can really depend on. None of those in stories. If such things ever exist anymore. Seeing how Spring is coming, it makes me sad. One thing is that time's going by very fast, and you can't go back as you look back. Feeling as if you've wasted something, like you could've done something special but you don't know what. That's what I feel. Another thing is how is symbolizes my state. The sun is shining bright and winter is fading. That's whats happening to others. Their gloomy days are over, and it's time for them to be in the light...with other people and enjoy a new era, while I'm still in the dark looking at them. Peering at them helplessly. I want to be in the light, but my mixed emotions stop me. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of humiliation. Oh I've tried. I've tried at my very silent best, but it just doesn't work. I had a hard time making friends in the past, so what makes people think I can do better here? What made ME think so? I'm such an idiot.
I had a choice. Well, maybe I did, but I had an option of supporting the idea. Before me and my family (half of my family that is) moved to San Jose, I was asked if I even liked the idea. For some crazy reason, I leaned towards the side that wanted to move. That side of me wanted to start fresh where I can just relax and ...not worry about friends. Well, I got what I wanted. I don't have to worry about friends because I don't have any now. I know what I did and I claim myself to be guilty. Part of the moving is my fault, if not all. I deserve this torture because I took advantage of what I had. Now I have nothing, and nobody to share nothing. I'm even more NOTHING than I was before. Stupid me, I should've listened to my other side. I shouldn't have ever said yes. What was I thinking? Starting fresh? Maybe it's my relatives fault for making this place seem so beautiful and fitting when we first came here to visit. Now I can finally see the back alley. So dirty.
I think I lost the meaning to the word "friendship" or "true friend" or "best friend." I want to know what it is. It's too late. Having a life long friend is way too late, isn't it? Besides, moving back and forth and forth and forth doesn't do me any help. And friends coming and going coming and going. It all angers me. And now that I'm here, I can no longer see any of it again. No friends. Just bullies, meanies, jerks, and those idiots that make me angrier and angrier. Life is so unfair; someone is messing around with your stuff, taking things without permission when you're trying to work and you can't do a thing or you'll get in trouble too. You can't do a thing. And even WORSE, I'm nice! Yeah! I'm so damn nice! I'm too nice for even myself to handle. I can't handle it. Being nice sucks. Yeah sure some people might appreciate it, but being nice to everyone just doesn't work. But when you've been like this for song long, the mask just can't break. Instead, a ball of fire slowly builds up over time in your body. Until.....a big explosion.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know. Maybe I use to know, but I totally forgot. I definately forgot whatever I knew, if I knew anything. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I definately forgot what to do. |
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| Gaining back, what was lost. |
[Feb. 10th, 2003|09:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Satoshi and Yukinari theme (piano) | ] |
I'm getting better. That's a relief. Looking back, I feel ashamed of myself. But as always, I feel the same hatred I feel about the world. Maybe even more now.
At least I'm getting better. To my surprise, I almost lost all hope last week. Good that I didn't, of course. If I did, I would've killed myself or soemthing. I lost the will the live, but I didn't lose hope. Fortunately, I didn't go far enough to hurt myself. I'm afraid. I'm afraid others might be afraid. I don't want them to see me when I'm angry, or hurt. I'm not good with accepting others' sympathy, or even empathy. Maybe it's because I usually don't believe that they're true. I usually don't anyway.
I'm glad that I'm regaining strength, both physically and mentally; regaining hope, and will. Maybe even happiness. But, things are as they are. I can't change.
So many factors made me hate the world last week. Made me forget how lucky I really am, at least luckier than most others. I just...couldn't think straight. Of course I couldn't, I was pissed. I just wanted to be invisible. I already am in the "real" world anyway.
Everyone was ignoring me, I lacked in skills to be able to shine. I wasn't noticed in school. I'm already doing bad. I'm already bad in making friends. I've always been. And ever since I moved to San Jose, I haven't been any better than when I was in Vancouver. Maybe just a little, if not at all. I can make acquaintances, but it seems impossible to make a "friend" here. I just can't. It's too hard for me. I don't know...
Everything was bad. My computer. My channel 12 (UPN) which had static and prevented me from recording Digimon in the morning or even watch it adequately. People were moody. I didn't know what to think. I didn't think. I became moody. Then I just accepted the fact, and I hated everyone in return. I ignored them. I didn't want to be friendly. They weren't. "They"
Including my family, I guess.
But after a day of resting, after a day of some thinking. I got better. I wanted to be better. I didn't want everything to be gloomy again. I couldn't stand another minute of depression. I didn't want to "hate" at all. I just wanted everything to be better than they really were. Even in the middle of my traumatizing crisis, my mental illness, I wanted to be happy, and wanted others to be happy. I don't know why, but, I just want to be "happy". As the way things were. |
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