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[ website | Ole Train Station ]
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I'm okay!! [Oct. 23rd, 2012|12:39 am]
[Current Location |California]
[mood |thankfulthankful]

Wow! I've been a very whiny kid back then LOL. Holy smokes, I had no idea. Sorry for that display everybody. I just treated LJ as a toilet for verbal diarrhea. Hope I didn't spill too much on everybody.

Well my life has changed. It hasn't been easy, but I've finally turned over a new leaf. I'm going to stop being the victim. I have great friends now. And I have a vision for my life. Reading my old posts, I can see now that I've always wanted a simpler life and to be free and have many adventures with great friends. I have that now and I will have much more of that in my future -- my very very near future.

And most of all, I know now that it is up to ME to create that. I understand now that life is about choices...NOT chances. Thank God that I've lived this long to realize all this and I'm so grateful for this second chance. Thank God that I've discovered discipline through a vision that I can focus on: a better life for me and my family and friends. A life of freedom. And I will have that. I will put that in front of me every single day. And I will pray for strength and focus to create it.
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Registered to vote today [Apr. 23rd, 2008|12:45 pm]
registered to vote today :3
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Hey, Happy April Fool's Day [Apr. 1st, 2005|04:51 pm]
I like LiveJournal's April Fool's Day Joke :D

I'm having a hard time making games in RMXP. End Rant.
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2004|10:48 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |Inuyasha- Futari No Kimochi]

It seems that I'm a person of two extremes. It's hard to say, but I think I got it now. I should just say it now or else I'll forget soon.

I can choose to be a person who blames everyone else for my problems and continue to indulge myself with self-pity. OR, I can just blame myself for everything that I've done in my life and continue to look back and regret on all the things that I did to become as I am right now. I hate being sad, but I also hate to lie to myself in being happy. If I wasn't this type of person that I came to be, I would be the happy and jubilant kid that I...should be. Or maybe I'm just jealous. I still regret how I lived my life nonetheless. I've been telling myself how stupid I had been. I know. I know! I don't need myself to say it again... I already know how stupid I am. I feel sorry for whomever's reading this. It hurts... Why don't I just make this a private entry? ...Well, maybe there's a spark of hope left inside me. Sometimes, I just want to release it. Sometimes I wish people could read my mind. Rarely do I have a chance to express myself in coherent words. This Sunday Neaurosis.....why? It's only Saturday and I'm thinking about life. I have too much free time I tell ya.

This life. If only I could be cheerful for people. I feel so sorry for them. How people stand talking to me, and talking to me so nicely. So calm and warm. They even smile at me, joke around me, and all these other great things. And all I have to give them is a stale face. An unmoving, dead face. I have nothing to give but my scornful expressions. I try to joke back, but it all sounds lame...I might as well say it. How can anyone stand me? I'm so ugly...and stupid. Hah! Ugly AND stupid! How in the world can they stand to even look at me? If only I wasn't myself right now. If only I was someone else, I would laugh with them, and not scorn myself inside. That way, I wouldn't hesitate when I laugh and joke. That way, I wouldn't feel so humiliated when I act so spirited.

When I was little, I was different. I have no idea what made me become this way... I don't know. Even if I knew, it'd only be my answer. It'd be myself...talking to myself. Scorn or praise. Live or die. Regret or appreciate. I have no idea what to think anymore. But I won't kill myself, that's just wrong. I'll live, but I can't say I'll live happily. I'm sorry everyone.
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(no subject) [Oct. 31st, 2004|02:20 pm]
[mood |nostalgicI miss the old days.]
[music |Air]

I'm afraid...I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. I don't want to go out in the real world. Find a job. Get a house. Earn money. They all seem so trivial to me! Why can't life be so simple? I don't want to be stuck in such a morbid system! I don't want to live such an empty life. I'm afraid of going out there. I want time to stay still! Please...
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gee what a weekend [Sep. 7th, 2004|05:44 pm]
[mood |hothot]

addicted to World of warcraft...hot...black out of the entire neighborhood....too hot to type... grr...ssssss
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Aside from all that [May. 6th, 2004|10:30 pm]
On a side note from today's next entry of Darkness, I wonder what I'll be doing for Mother's Day this Sunday. I mean, I wonder what I SHOULD do. Since one of my big brothers is here, I guess it'll have to be something special. We insist despite my Mom's resistance. We'll give her more than flowers. She asked for flowers. Should I write a poem for her like I do everyday? I don't know, I think that's kinda dull after overdoing it for the past years. I think I might be slipping on the creative department as well. Serving as another reason for me hating myself lately. Can't even think of a collage design for my class. Anyway, ummm...yeah so I guess I should be doing something different. I don't know. Not sure what I should buy if I'd buy anything at all. Make a dinner? Presents seem more rewarding. A diamond ring? Lol, yeah right. I'm not rich. My cousins are. Well, maybe I can make breakfast...no wait. Heh. My mom works on Sunday. Yeah. She'll work till 11:00 PM. Yeah. Everyday except Thursday. And that was...today.
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What am I [May. 6th, 2004|08:13 pm]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Kill Bill vol.2- About Her]

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be anymore. My mind is splitting up. All these popular trends. These kids. They're the problem. They make me hate school. Them and their trends. I can't seem to follow them. Whenever I do, I get lost in them, and then I find myself behind in school work.

I'm lazy. I can be out of control. Partly because of this computer. Maybe if it wasn't for these entertainments that I take advantage of so much, I'd be a little more productive. Perhaps I'd have great adventures in this humid, polluted urbanized desert. Perhaps, I can take a long journey through streets of ravenous cars under the smoke that they produce and up a hill to find nothing but broken wine bottles.

Anyway, I've been really dumb lately. Behind on schoolwork. I can't concentrate. I just can't concentrate! I find myself in a heap of mess. I've been so upset lately. I don't know. Before Monday, I was all fine, but something's been up to make me so bitchy and impatient lately. Maybe it's because of that annoying bastard that sits right behind me in class! If the teacher only forced me into some random seat instead of having me choose! I'd of been better off with someone dictating than letting me decide for my own good! I haven't go the slightest clue of what's good for me! NEVER! All I wanted to do was make some friends by sitting near people that I'm familiar with. Well, I guess I was wrong. Not only am I being noticed sometime. I'm also being harassed. And you know what's worse? Having a girl in the back say "Annay that's mean! Don't do that!" while he's shoving a piece of paper he through at me down my shirt from the back. I felt so weak. I'm not like that. That's what I keep telling myself. I'd say "I can do worse to him." But that's me. I'm always saying such things but in reality, I'm running. What if I did hit him? What would happen? I'd get in trouble! That's what! That's what you're suppose to do in life, right? FOLLOW THE RULES OR YOU GET IN TROUBLE! But if something like that. If something as little as that. Happens. To. Me! It reflects back to the days when I was actually bullied. It reflects back to the many little shards that have shaped me into what I am. A shy. Lonely. Self-fish. Paranoid. Milanthropic. Kid. I guess I would have just run away from the same ol' problem. Let the shards keep cutting deeper into my skin. I would run. And I would cry. I would keep it inside. Because inside, you're safer. You don't get in trouble and miss out on more school work!

Life is unfair. I find myself...at the brink of giving up. Sometimes, I just want to run away. End all my worries by just not caring anymore. Lay in the streets under the cold rain. Look up...and die slowly.

I've been thinking. Maybe if I act like a minority. Maybe if I don't care about being popular. Or looking cool. Maybe if I just stand back and act small. Weak. And invisible. I'd get my work done.
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Hello again [Mar. 11th, 2004|09:46 pm]
[mood |sleepysleepy]
[music |Final Fantasy 7 Theme (World Map)]

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, haven't posted in a long time I guess. I've come to realize how merciless time can be. I want to spend my days doing productive things. I want to get what I can now. I want to play musical insruments like flutes, pianos or even violins. I want to enhance my art skills (if I have any). I want to learn how to make things work like video games and stuff.

I so miss being bored. When I used to be bored long long ago, I would do things like draw pictures or comics or make board games that practically no one played. I would do things aside from everything else and escape into the fictional fairtales that I create. I used to be so imaginative with all that.

I guess I should admit that video games have been in the way for any of that anymore. I just quit Diablo II and half of me feels bad for it but the other half is quite joyous because now I can spend time on homework and other important stuff.

I've also decided to quit Tae Kwon Do and probably move onto something else like Yoga, Tai Chi, KENDO, or KARATE. I hope I'll have time for that and I hope I'll be passionate about it. I'll just need to know where and how much it costs.

Other than all this, everything's been pretty much the same and constant with the endless drift of time forcing me into my inevitable future.
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My soul is... [Dec. 9th, 2003|09:32 pm]
So correct...at least I hope so o.o

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
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