||[Nov. 6th, 2004|10:48 pm]
|||||Inuyasha- Futari No Kimochi||]|
It seems that I'm a person of two extremes. It's hard to say, but I think I got it now. I should just say it now or else I'll forget soon.
I can choose to be a person who blames everyone else for my problems and continue to indulge myself with self-pity. OR, I can just blame myself for everything that I've done in my life and continue to look back and regret on all the things that I did to become as I am right now. I hate being sad, but I also hate to lie to myself in being happy. If I wasn't this type of person that I came to be, I would be the happy and jubilant kid that I...should be. Or maybe I'm just jealous. I still regret how I lived my life nonetheless. I've been telling myself how stupid I had been. I know. I know! I don't need myself to say it again... I already know how stupid I am. I feel sorry for whomever's reading this. It hurts... Why don't I just make this a private entry? ...Well, maybe there's a spark of hope left inside me. Sometimes, I just want to release it. Sometimes I wish people could read my mind. Rarely do I have a chance to express myself in coherent words. This Sunday Neaurosis.....why? It's only Saturday and I'm thinking about life. I have too much free time I tell ya.
This life. If only I could be cheerful for people. I feel so sorry for them. How people stand talking to me, and talking to me so nicely. So calm and warm. They even smile at me, joke around me, and all these other great things. And all I have to give them is a stale face. An unmoving, dead face. I have nothing to give but my scornful expressions. I try to joke back, but it all sounds lame...I might as well say it. How can anyone stand me? I'm so ugly...and stupid. Hah! Ugly AND stupid! How in the world can they stand to even look at me? If only I wasn't myself right now. If only I was someone else, I would laugh with them, and not scorn myself inside. That way, I wouldn't hesitate when I laugh and joke. That way, I wouldn't feel so humiliated when I act so spirited.
When I was little, I was different. I have no idea what made me become this way... I don't know. Even if I knew, it'd only be my answer. It'd be myself...talking to myself. Scorn or praise. Live or die. Regret or appreciate. I have no idea what to think anymore. But I won't kill myself, that's just wrong. I'll live, but I can't say I'll live happily. I'm sorry everyone.